My "failed" attempt at leadership

 We put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect.We constantly critic ourselves on things that we have no control over.

My story starts around September/October,after it was announced that house commitee elections would open soon and that nominations can start coming through. I had always joked about being the Sports Officer when conversating with my friends. I believed that as a member of the residence netball team,I deserved that position. I've dreamt about this for as long as I could remember.

I send my nomination form through and await feedback as to whether I would be eligible to partake in the elections or not.I make it onto the list and from there on I contained my excitement:not even my own mother nor close friends knew about this. 

The campaigning period is now soon to commence and I don't know anything about this.I've never done anything like this before.I get approached by a former house commitee member who asks if I could join their slate,and I agree.It felt good to know that someone thought I was good enough to be on their slate,let alone be a house commitee member. Posters are designed and printed out(I must say I did get a good picture out of all of this) and ready to be distrubuted. 

I was nervous,I didn't know how I was going to sell myself.I prepare a speech for the manifesto and presented it to my fellow res mates(I was a little bit fast and I could tell how scared I had gotten from seeing so many faces.Mind you,I have given speeches in front of nearly the entire school before).The election period commences and I start feeling demotivated,I would question myself as to whether this was what I truly wanted or if I deserved this position. I would read the rules over and over again trying to wrap my head around a lot of things,such as if I was doing this the right way.

Results are now out,I had a total of 42 votes if I'm not mistaken.When I think of it now,I realise that 42 people believed in me,42 people whom I might have never met before thought of me as a worthy candidate.I didn't cry,I opened the document and quickly closed it once again.I went on about my day.One of the members from my slate reached out to and asked how I was doing, and I was honest:"I feel okay,I haven't cried,so maybe that's my way of convincing myself that I'm doing fine".Out of all the members on our slate,two of us didn't make it.

I took this as a learning curve,I enjoyed it,regardless of the fear that hindered me from presenting the real me.

Sometime later, an invitation to apply for the campus council sub committee is sent,I apply for this.I make it to the interview stage,I felt that I did amazing. I was confident the entire day after the interview. Unfortunately,I did not make it once again.

I still did not shed a tear.I carried on with my life and everything was normal. Those tears I would question their existence rolled down my cheeks weeks later,whilst I was bed ridden due to the flu.I had installed the Tik Tok app again and was scrolling as one would do,I would see people I knew say from class(and other random people) posting about how they had gotten the role.I began to feel as though I had disappointed myself,that I was a failure and that not even once did I do enough to allow myself the chance of being somebody.I would later delete the app and focus on my exams,but now I've installed it once again.Is this my way of triggering myself ?Is this a way to remind myself of what I've missed out on,on what I could have been?Maybe it is,and that's why I am writing this now.

There's always next year right?Most definitely,I don't want to give up now,I want to fight until I get it right.I've applied to become a peer mentor,I have not received a response as of yet but an update will be given once I get one.

I want to be somebody,I want to do something.Make an impact in someone's life,not just lead for the sense of power but to lead so that tomorrow when I think about it all,I'll be proud of myself and of what I've done.

Is it really a failed attempt at leadership?